myth or fact...it's insignificant now

dear blog,

i really don't know what to say right now. my mix feeling is so irritating and disturbing me. what happen to me for the past few weeks and days? what have i done to feel this way. am i so stupid that anyone would step on me and crush my head? i try to understand it, but somehow i couldn't. why???

all i ever wanted is to be as happy as other people. why can't i have that simple and tiny wish? i got envy every time i see somebody happy. i'm needing friends... i really really do. friends that stick with me in whatever condition i'm in...no matter good or bad. where are they? why can't i find them? or they are yet to be found? if that so, how long should i wait? how much longer should i search for them?

i'm hiding my feelings of hatred, feelings of sadness, feelings of sorrow, feelings of loneliness and every misery i feel. most of all, i hide who i really am...far from the beautiful world. am i a hypocrite for doing that? if i am, what should i do? should i express myself loudly to people? how do i do so if nobody's there to listen to me? when nobody's there to stay with me, i'm left behind...always!

i'm tired of wasting time. i really need to find out who i really am. what is there left for me to do if i don't have any goals to achieve in my life? the purpose of my existence, i need to know! i'm so tired, and weak! i'm sick of all this shit i'm going through...i've been struggling to deal with my life before. why can't it be easier for me now? haven't i learned? but even if i did, nothing is ever going to change...that's the fact that i should accept, no matter how ugly it is.

i've been telling myself that everything is going to be okay, but nothing happened. i've been seen laughing when deep inside i'm actually crying. my heart i can't see it anymore. it's lost...far from me, but wanting to be discovered and appreciated. i can hear my heart is crying, i can feel my heart is raging, so badly. but i've got nothing to offer to calm it down...

dear GOD,

i pray for u to create me a different path...path that can finally lead me to a better place.

dear WORLD,

i pray for u to give me the best views of the world for me to know that i'm lucky to be alive.

dear PEOPLE,

i pray for u all to give me a chance to express myself and never be judged for whatever i do.